


Out of Character

by Lady_in_Red



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, One Shot, Out of Character, Smut, out of character - opposite personalities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 07:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1974123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_in_Red/pseuds/Lady_in_Red
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one behaves quite like themselves while waiting for a delayed flight.<br/>Serious crackfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of Character

**Author's Note:**

> Miss_M and I were talking about mystery/cop fic and how options for villains are somewhat limited (and predictable) unless you make someone totally out of character. And then this crack!fic happened. 
> 
> If any character even remotely resembles their canon personality, it is definitely my fault, not my intrepid beta reader's.

Jaime looked up from his book and eyed the departures board.

_Flight 773 to Sunspear DELAYED to 3:45_

He yawned and folded down a corner of the page as he closed the book. At this rate, Jaime would finish the book before they even boarded. Luckily he had another in his backpack. Jaime certainly didn’t want to spend the flight talking to his twin. Maybe he could sit with Robert. They’d always gotten along, even if the man was ridiculously whipped by Cersei. Robert had even stopped talking to his best friend when Cersei decided that Ned Stark was a bad influence.

Jaime stood, back cracking as he stretched. He rummaged around in his pockets, pulling out a chapstick, four copper stars, and a pen. All he needed was a few dragons for a coffee. Jaime didn’t bother looking through his wallet. He knew there wasn't any cash in there, nor a credit card. Jaime had used a credit card as a bookmark for years, but after the third time he returned a library book with his credit card inside it, Tywin had stopped giving him new ones. Jaime's wallet held just his driver’s license, student ID, city library card, and two condoms. There was a full box in his suitcase too. 

Even though Jaime was so shy he could barely speak to women, he still managed to get laid every so often. The trouble was avoiding the girls afterward. Jaime preferred to walk away before they figured out who he really was: a guy with five degrees and a half-written dissertation, who cared more about long-dead kings than current sports teams. This vacation would be the perfect opportunity for a few easy hookups, if he could get away from his family long enough to pick anyone up. 

Jaime walked down the crowded aisle of the gate lounge, nearly knocking over his nephew’s backpack. “Watch it,” Tommen snarled, and Jaime quickly apologized before the kid could decide to retaliate. Disarmingly cute at eight years old, Tommen was actually hell on wheels, much like his ten-year-old sister, Myrcella. With their black hair and green eyes, Jaime thought they looked too much like the black cats Tommen kept as pets. Their parents and older brother Joffrey were so mild-mannered, no one was quite sure where the younger kids got their bad attitudes.

Their vicious personalities definitely did not come from Tywin Lannister. Jaime stopped in front of his father and barely had to open his mouth before the older man smiled benevolently and pulled out his wallet. As Tywin often said, if his children were happy, he was happy. The things that made his children happy were easy for Tywin to provide: money for Jaime’s endless university studies and a carefully selected marriage for Cersei, who was happiest when her father and husband made decisions for her. Youngest and most favored child Tyrion had managed to avoid this vacation because he couldn’t be spared from his duties running the family business.

Cersei rolled her eyes as Jaime passed her. The twins had never gotten along. Cersei was bubbly and sweet, but not particularly interested in learning about anything other than fashion and celebrity gossip. She hadn't read a book since high school, and if there was one thing Jaime couldn’t stand it was a person who didn’t like books. Cersei, on the other hand, thought Jaime was wasting his life studying the past. 

Jaime made his way through the crowds sitting impatiently around the gate, until he reached the long line for the coffee kiosk. 

At the front of the line, a pudgy kid with a black leather jacket and a pathetic excuse for a beard was busy berating the barista. “Black coffee. Do you know what that is? Pick up that pot, right there, and pour it in the cup. How is this difficult?” 

The barista, a slender girl with mousy brown hair and chipped teeth, snapped, “I don’t make enough money to deal with this shit. I just asked if you wanted cream or sugar.”

The pudgy boy flipped her off and left the kiosk without any coffee. The line inched forward.

Jaime sighed and pulled out his wallet, tucking away one of the two twenty-dragon notes his father had given him. As he put the wallet back into his pocket, he elbowed the person in line behind him. “Sorry,” Jaime murmured, glancing back.

“Just don’t order some bullshit complicated crappuccino nonsense and we’ll be even,” the woman said wryly. 

She was massive, taller than Jaime, clad in a short, silvery skirt and a sapphire-blue tank top which barely covered impossibly perky, obviously fake tits. Tattooed stars trailed from her wrist all the way up her muscular right arm, ending with a pin-up girl lounging on a crescent moon on her shoulder. The woman looked like she could break a man with her thighs, a notion Jaime found oddly arousing until his gaze reached her face. Dark kohl lined truly stunning blue eyes, but her wide mouth, myriad freckles, and brittle, over-processed blonde hair ruined the effect. 

"You’re staring, pretty boy. Keep it up and you’ll be picking your teeth off the floor,” the Amazon said dryly.

Jaime looked up into her gorgeous eyes again, completely tongue-tied. She was the polar opposite of the cute little co-eds he was used to. “Sorry,” he mumbled, blushing furiously and turning away.

She chuckled as the line shuffled forward. “Are you always sorry? Pity. Black Coffee over there might be an ass, but at least he has some fire in his belly.”

Jaime bristled. “I have fire.” That was a lie. He didn’t enjoy a fight, wasn’t much for competition really. He liked knowing things, how they worked, why they happened. Women didn’t exactly find that sexy. 

She smirked at him. Jaime burned. “Sure you do. A real dragon under all the stammering and apologies.” 

Dragons. Jaime had done his first thesis on the Targaryen dynasty. He knew more about dragons than anyone else at his university. Dragons burned hot, but they burned out. “No,” he snarled. “I’m no dragon. The dragons are long gone. I’m a lion.” 

Jaime’s father found all the old heraldry amusing, and kept some of the Lannister artifacts around the house. Gold lions everywhere, one phrase worked into every item. Surprised and a little proud of himself, Jaime smirked back at the woman. “Hear me roar.” 

He stalked out of the line before she could say anything else, but found himself without coffee and with his seat now occupied by Joffrey. Not wanting to give the big blonde an opportunity to mock him again, Jaime walked swiftly to the men’s restroom. He pushed the door too hard, and it banged into the far wall, startling him.

Jaime heard an odd click behind him as he started to push a stall door open.

Suddenly a hand shoved Jaime forward into the handicapped stall, another hand digging his wallet out of his back pocket. The joke was on this thief, twenty dragons were hardly worth stealing. 

“Take it,” Jaime said, not turning around. He thought he remembered something about thieves being less likely to hurt you if you couldn’t recognize them.

A familiar chuckle made him spin around. The Amazon stood there, flipping idly through his wallet. The fluorescent lights were even less flattering than the lights out in the terminal had been, but there was a certain grace in the way she stood there, completely confident. Hells, she must be over six feet tall, and still wore high heels. She was younger than Jaime had first thought, too. College-age, maybe a little older.

“If I’d wanted to rob someone, I would have followed the old man who gave you the cash, pretty boy. I was looking for this.” She plucked a condom from his wallet. 

Jaime had a sudden flash of her long legs wrapped around him, and he swallowed hard. “My name’s not pretty boy,” he stammered, confused by the mix of irritation and arousal coursing through him. He shouldn’t be getting hard standing in a bathroom stall with an ugly stranger. 

She grinned, wide and feral, and pressed herself against him. “I’ll tell you a secret. I don’t care what your name is. All I want from you is this.” She rubbed his hardening cock through his pants. 

Jaime groaned at the friction of her hand and her hot breath in his ear. 

“I need something to get through this delay. I was going to settle for coffee, but I’d rather fuck you. Think you can handle that?” she asked, nipping his earlobe and grabbing his ass as she pushed his wallet back into his pocket. 

Jaime felt hot and a little dizzy. He didn’t think he’d ever gotten so hard so fast. “Yes,” he breathed, not trusting himself to say anything more. 

She unzipped his pants and drew him out, pushing Jaime back with one hand until he was sitting on the toilet, his cock standing at attention. She handed Jaime the condom, and he put it on while she wriggled out of her underwear. She smirked at him and stepped closer, her strong legs around his thighs. “Just do what I tell you,” she ordered, and lowered herself onto him.

Eight minutes later, Jaime stumbled out of the restroom, his legs still a little shaky, scalp tingling where she’d pulled his hair. He hadn’t even left King’s Landing yet and this was already his best vacation ever. Of course, when Jaime told the story, he would say she’d been gorgeous.

He was in luck. Jaime spotted an empty chair and sat down beside his brother-in-law Renly, the perfect audience for this particular tale. At twenty-five, Renly was in the prime of his life, and he knew it. Robert had gotten him a cushy government job and there was a different woman in his bed every night. For once, Jaime felt like he could top one of Renly’s stories.

Renly eyed him suspiciously. “Why do you have that dopey grin on your face?”

Jaime tried and failed to stop smiling. He leaned in and said quietly, “I just fucked a complete stranger.”

Renly’s eyes widened. “Who? Where?”

Jaime shrugged. “Restroom. Didn’t get her name.” He scanned the crowded lounge, found the Amazon standing with a group of girls who looked even more like pin-up models than the big blonde’s tattoo. Too bad none of them had followed him into that restroom. Then again, none of them looked half as strong as the Amazon had been. 

“Where is she?” Renly asked, following his gaze. 

Jaime considered lying and decided to be vague. He gestured at the girls. “She’s over there.”

Renly studied the crowd, then he laughed. It was an oddly brittle sound. Renly wasn’t given to laughter, seemed to consider even his vigorous womanizing serious business. “That’s the Storm’s End roller derby team, the Stormchasers.”

Jaime blushed and wished he’d pointed at someone else. Renly had knocked him off his high so fast, it wasn’t fair. “That explains a lot,” he said vaguely. The bruises on her hard, muscled thighs, the roller skates on her pin-up girl tattoo. 

Renly grabbed Jaime’s arm. “You have to introduce me.”

“No, it was a hookup. I can’t go chasing after her,” Jaime protested. Right now Renly was impressed. The instant he saw which woman Jaime had fucked, the game was up. 

“Come on. I’ll push a few girls your way next time I throw a party. Pretty ones who’ll do whatever you want,” Renly promised. 

Jaime pulled away, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. His legs were starting to cramp up, thighs still aching from thrusting up into the Amazon. “Why are you so interested?”

Renly ground his teeth. “Look, Jaime, I get a lot of women. Pretty little nothings happy to get down on their knees for me. But your girl can introduce me to  _ her. _ She’s a real challenge. It would mean something to conquer her.”

Jaime followed Renly’s gaze again. The younger man wasn’t looking at the petite redhead or the girl with long chestnut curls. He was looking at the woman with whom Jaime had just gotten off. “The blonde?” Jaime asked, keeping his voice carefully neutral. 

Renly nodded. “Brienne Tarth. They call her the Oathkeeper.”

“Why?”

Renly swallowed hard. “Because when she vows to take someone out, she always does it. Could be weeks later, but she never fails.”

Considering how fast she’d decided she wanted Jaime and gotten exactly what she’d wanted from him, Jaime could believe that. Renly was a fool if he thought that woman would ever get down on her knees for him. “You like roller derby?” Jaime asked, unable to imagine buttoned-up Renly watching girls on roller skates.

Renly shook his head. “My assistant’s sister is on the team. Loras invited me to go once. He was so certain I’d like it that I humored him. The match was ludicrous, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her.” His blue eyes were predatory as he studied Brienne where she stood with her teammates. 

She caught him staring, rolled her magnificent eyes, and turned away. Jaime couldn’t hear what she said, but the redhead started laughing. 

Renly was undaunted. “Introduce me to the girl you were with, and I’ll do the rest.”

Jaime envied Renly his confidence, but it was misplaced here. Renly was a good-looking man, rich, used to getting whatever he wanted. Just once it would be entertaining to watch Renly fail. 

And he would fail. Jaime gingerly touched his scalp again. The Amazon, Brienne, had gripped his knee hard with one hand, pulled his hair with the other, and hissed in his ear that he wasn’t allowed to come until she did. Jaime had slipped a hand between them and finished them both off a little faster than he might have liked, now that he thought about it. 

Jaime checked the departures board again. 

_Flight 773 to Sunspear DELAYED to 4:25_

Jaime stood. “Come on, then. I’ll introduce you.”

Renly flashed him a quick smile and stood, straightening his shirt and running a hand through his already immaculate black hair. “Which one was yours?” 

Jaime waited until Renly had turned to check out the girls again. “Brienne.”

Renly’s face fell, but Jaime moved swiftly through the crowd. They had an hour to kill, and he planned to enjoy watching her toy with Renly. 

From the slow smile which formed on Brienne’s face as they approached, Jaime wondered if she might enjoy toying with  _ him  _ again too. 

Jaime smiled back, and made the introductions.

**Author's Note:**

> I know ASOIAF canon does not include Amazons, but there are uncharted areas east of the Red Waste, so let's just assume they exist in GRRM's world.


End file.
